#68 Liberation of Speaking Up
What you once thought was impossible, becomes your new normal.
What I once thought was impossible is now my normal.
What I once resented now becomes my opportunity to speak up.
What I once thought I had no choice in, is now up to me to decide how I want to approach.
What I once hated now becomes my boundary to set.
What I once thought was innate now becomes a muscle (speaking up) to use, break & strengthen.
**
When the person on the plane seated in the window seat ask me to sit inside, I calmly and firmly say no I’m staying out in my asile seat, thanks.
He then moved to his seat in silence.
**
When the car salesman says there’s no way he can do weekend pickups, I calmly but respectfully and firmly work out a middle ground to make weekend pickup work for my parents.
Because no way in hell I was going to cave and accomodate to them when I am the person investing time, energy, money into their car.
And I ended up making it work.
By fighting back.
By speaking up.
Calmly, respectfully but firmly.
That is the art of language.
You don’t have to go all aggro.
It is a skill you can learn.
When it worked, the feeling I got was exhiliarating.
It was empowering.
It was liberating.
But this wouldn’t have happened if I caved.
It wouldn’t have happened if I had went along with what the car dealership wanted.
It costed me fear, courage in the moment.
But the reward I got was - priceless.
***
What my parents feel too afraid/burdensome to ask for, I don’t mind being the “bad guy” to ask for what should be within their right.
Just like the car-pickup situation.
What I wish they embodied for me as a kid, I now embody, live it and do it for them.
What I wish they knew sooner, now becomes something I teach them.
So they can be stronger in the face of saying no.
I may not be able to be there every step of the way for them, but at least I can teach them a bit.
And guide them when they encounter these issues.
***
When a friend has shown consistently that they don’t value me or my efforts, tries to pop back into my life, I take a breath and choose to respond with silence. Not because I want to, but because I know the same old pattern will repeat if I choose to engage.
I’m a firm believer that “Action speak louder than words”.
You can apologize or communicate all you want, but if your actions don’t align with your words, then I will no longer waste time.
I will choose to remove myself from the equation to cut my “losses”.
Sometimes the better option is distance.
Stepping away.
Not responding.
Because it no longer deserves your energy.
You teach others how to treat you.
You do that by deciding what you want to tolerate and what you don’t.
Remember it is up to you to teach others, how you want to be treated.
***
When someone tries to get close to me out of the blue, I choose to respond respectfully but not enthusiastically as a way of self protection. Because nothing good or valuable comes for “free”.
There’s always a cost or a catch.
It’s important to have a "healthy” level of skepticism in life about people’s intentions.
Not everyone thinks like you.
Not everyone has good intentions.
Not everyone deserves your kindness.
Not everyone deserves a seat at your table.
Not everyone deserves access to you.
You wont and don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea.
If anything, you shouldn’t want to.
Why would you?
Apple doesn’t try to be orange.
It attracts people who prefer apple as it is.
Not because it tries to be something it’s not.
Coke attracts people who prefer coke for what it is, not pepsi drinkers.
Same logic in marketing applies to life & relationships.
****
The key to having a healthy level of skepticism, is not taking people or things at face value.
There are times for it, depending on the context.
But the key takeaway here, is not blindly trusting someone without them earning your trust.
I can’t stress this enough.
***
What I once feel bad for asking now becomes my approach to clarify the situation/ the relationship.
When I am unclear as to why someone is angry with me, I follow up once (we both calmed down), with
“Do you mind telling me what I did or said that upset you so mad? So I can be mindful and understand where you’re coming from.”
“Are you able to call me out or call it out when I do that so I can course correct in the moment or understand that it hurts you before it gets to your level of being triggered/tolerance?”
These follow up conversations transformed my relationship with my partner & my parents.
Don’t underestimate the power of having follow up conversations with your loved ones.
****
What I once thought was always in other people’s control now becomes being empowered enough to know I have a say in what I want and need.
****
It’s uncomfortable.
It’s scary.
It’s awkward.
It’s confronting.
It feels “too much”.
It makes me think… was I being too much?
But that’s the point.
Nothing worth having comes easy.
In a world fixated on instant gratification and getting dopamine hit from a click on your phone, this is the “HARD” you want to live, earn and work for.
It’s supposed to be uncomfortable.
It’s suppose to scare you.
It’s suppose to make you doubt.
*****
In this moment, remind yourself why you’re doing it.
Remind yourself why you are speaking up.
Sometimes you do it because you’re feeling salty and being a dickhead.
I acknowledge that.
Im only human after all.
But other times, you do it because you need to.
Growth is suppose to nudge you out of your comfort zone.
******
Otherwise, you will stay in the same place.
That’s the beauty of self improvement and growth.
You keep defying the odds.
You keep proving yourself wrong.
You keep reaching new heights.
Ceilings you never thought was possible.
Ceilings you never thought you can reach.
Ceilings you created for yourself.
*******
Start here now on your self improvement journey to level up in your communication & interpersonal skills.
Because you cant have one without the other.
They are intertwined.
That’s it for this newsletter.
Hope you enjoyed this letter.
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