#66 The pain of being misunderstood
How can they not see it my way?
Love is not about complete compatibility.
Or eliminating friction.
Or never “fighting”.’
Because if a couple never fights, ther’es a chance that one of them or both of them is “suppressing” what needs to be said.
It’s only a matter of time before it explodes.
***
Love is about expanding your perspective to allow space for two realities to coexist.
Neither one of you is “right” or “wrong”.
The minute you get caught up on being “Right”, you lose the relationship.
The love fades away.
You see yourself in the boxing ring, waiting for the thrill of a win.
But that’s not the right way to approach arguments in any relationship.
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Ultimately, we have the right to feel and to think the way we do.
It doesn’t make us right.
But we need to give it space and light for our thoughts and emotions to be released before we move on.
Don’t fight to win, seek to understand their reality, aka their"Normal".
Don't fight to be right, ask clarifying questions.
Don’t fall into the trap of seeing your own view as the absolute truth.
Make space for a different perspective.
Two things can be true at the same time.
You can love and still be angry at them.
You can be kind and still set firm boundaries and not let people walk all over you.
You can feel sad yet still make a hard decision.
You can feel conflicted and still seek clarity.
“Love, in the end, is not about sameness. It is about seeing difference as an opportunity to expand your world.”
But sometimes, it doesn’t matter how many times you try to communicate your perspective, if the other person isn’t willing or ready to hear you.
It’s pointless.
It’s silent chaos.
Or world war three.
Sometimes people are so stuck to their own interpretation of events that, they would rather paint you out to be the bad guy to avoid taking accountability.
They would rather assume your intentions and behaviors than check with you if that is the case.
Overtime, when this keeps happening and they show no interest in wanting to understand you, you stop trying.
You give up at the idea of being understood.
You give up at trying to convince them your side of the story.
You give up at trying to get them to hear you.
At some point, you’d rather just stay silent and let them misunderstand you.
****
But at the same time, the other part of you aches at the thought of being misunderstood.
It aches because how can they get it so wrong?
How can they possibly think I want to “undermine” and “control” them?
When in reality, I was just hoping for some reassurance….
Maybe I went about it in the wrong way…
But how can our views and interpretations be so different?
****
Because our triggers and fears often blinds us…making us refuse to see it a different way.
Because we feel our greatest fears being triggered.
We feel our past hurt and traumas rushing to the surface when they say things in a different tone.
Or when things get miscommunicated.
In this moment, it’s important to remember, what is happening in the present are not what happened to you in the past.
Rather, it is a similar instance and feeling being triggered.
It is a moment to re-ground yourself in reality.
It’s a moment to allow yourself to feel what you feel and be accepting of the fact that you’re triggered.
Take some time to recalibrate.
In times like this, it’s better to walk away until your emotions reaches equilibrium.
Because when your emotions are at its’ peak, it prevents you from being receptive.
It prevents you from hearing them.
It priortizes your ego, your version of events, you being “right”.
And it never goes well once this happens.
*****
A part of becoming an adult, is having the maturity to realize that…
Sometimes you need to walk away to make space for your emotions.
Sometimes, not everyone deserves an explanation.
Sometimes, you need to let certain people misunderstand you for your own sanity.
Sometimes, you need to take accountability for the way you approach a conversation.
Sometimes, your fears are triggered that makes you show a less-ideal version of yourself in asking your needs to be met.
They are all normal.
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What matters most, is what you do after you’ve calmed down.
Have those follow up conversations and apologize (for people that are worth your time and energy).
Or have follow up conversations and talk about the fight with them so you can "repair” the relationship and not let the conflict HURT the love you have for each other.
There is no easy way out.
No easy escape route.
No quick fix to relational problems.
But as long as you are willing to face the difficult moments and conversations, you win, relationally.
You evolve into a better version of yourself.
You become better.
You attract better relationships as a result.
******
That’s it for this newsletter.
Hope you enjoyed this letter.
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