#10 Attack The Roots of Your Patterns
The key to mental clarity is to identify your default patterns that hold you back in Life, Relationships & Work.
Are you sick of living your life on auto-pilot?
Are you sick of reacting to situations without knowing why you do?
Do you dream of having mental clarity over your overactive mind?
Are you fed up with being stuck in a loop of negative thinking?
Are you sick of asking and wanting other people’s approval, validation and reassurance?
Do you envy those who are self-aware enough to acknowledge their faults yet not let it consume them?
Me too.
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Coming to terms with my triggers
I used to live life not knowing why I had triggers that affected me.
I was stuck in a vicious cycle of hating how I respond to situations with no control of my own thoughts.
A trigger I used to have (still working on) is interpreting conflict as a sign of being unloved.
Being in conflict with someone close to me felt so threatening to me at my core that it felt like I was no longer loved.
It manifested into behaviors like people pleasing my way through life so I didn’t have to feel that discomfort of being unloved.
Because the idea of someone being upset and angry at me reminded me of the times when I felt un-loveable (because I didn’t do what I was asked).
But what that did to me was I ended up minimizing myself, kept myself small, kept my thoughts, what I wanted or needed to myself.
In the process of “chasing”, “keeping” “love”, I lost myself.
It was an important step for me to become aware, identify the patterns and history and to break out of this cycle through continuous reflection.
It is a process of being aware, reflecting and tweaking my default patterns.
It wasn’t until I had a discussion with a client about unconditional love which made me realized why I felt this way.
Growing up, love at most times felt conditional. For example, if I didn’t do what my mum asked, I would get guilt-tripped (passive aggressive behavior) and labelled me as selfish.
When I was in disagreement with my mum, she might choose to ignore me. And as a child, that silence felt deafening and threatening to my survival. Because it felt like I was unloved in that moment even if it wasn’t objectively true.
The cliches of childhood and parents being to blame in Psychology may sound shitty but it has tremendous impact on our perception of love, relationships and communication.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not bad-mouthing my parents in any way.
But becoming aware of the roots of why default pattern exist allowed me to take responsibility and accountability for my actions.
It directly affects how we choose to communicate with our partners, friends in the present.
How we interpret things as rejection.
How we choose to show love (our love language).
How we choose to resolve conflict.
How we handle discomfort.
How we choose to cope - either by withdrawing or resolving it through communication.
It is all linked.
It matters.
Even if it’s cliche.
Unconditional Love
My mentor once told me to say “Mum, I love you” at the beginning or the end of a difficult conversation with mum. I didn’t understand it at the time, but now I do.
It is an indication to her that no matter what arguments happen between us, the love I have for her will never be taken away. And, that was a powerful statement in and of itself.
Perhaps my experience here is why some of us find it hard to grasp the concept of unconditional love.
Loving someone no matter what, accepting all flaws, all uncomfortable moments, all conflicts.
The importance of attacking the roots of your problems & becoming aware of your triggers can not be underestimated.
It will change your life.
When you know what triggers you, you start to take control of your emotions and how you respond as opposed to having your emotions control you.
“Learn to differentiate between the sound of your intuition guiding you and your traumas misleading you”. - Unknown
No-one wants to live their life without a sense of autonomy, control, independence and freedom.
The human mind craves freedom and space to be authentic selves, and on a higher level, being able to create something of their own.
Something you OWN.
Something that comes from and within you.
Because ultimately that is what we are designed to do.
Just look at the world around you.
Cities. Buildings. Technology. AI.
Creation, no matter what form, brings fulfilment to our soul.
Yes you don’t have to be a “creative” or an “artist” to create.
By creation, I mean literally anything from having an idea for a post, a book, a business, a project.
Literally anything is and can be a creation. YOUR creation.
But how can you have mental space and energy to create when your mind is filled with default and shitty patterns that hold you back?
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Why should I care?
The world is shifting. Traditional education and employment are failing us.
No-one teaches us to self-actualize.
No-one teaches us to think (more) for ourselves and our path.
The traditional linear path isn’t the only way.
But only if you self-actualize enough to recognize your potential is unfulfilled and make a change.
The rise of self actualization & personal development is more important than ever.
Those who lean into it are the ones that won’t end up settling for a life they don’t want.
Those who settle will end up resentful, bitter, angry and sad.
The way to live an authentic life is to be aware.
To be conscious.
To be intentional.
To be reflective.
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To do that, you first need to uncover the shitty default patterns that exist within you.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt they have helped you get where you are in life.
But…it can also hinder you in ways you are not subconsciously aware of.
The default patterns that have been with you since day one.
Formed in your upbringing that shows up in your daily thoughts, behaviors, interactions and habits.
Otherwise, you risk becoming one of those people that go around blaming the world for their problems.
So now, I invite you to attack the root of your problems with me.
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That is why I thought of an idea for a mini e-book.
Attack the Root of Your Patterns.
Not ready for therapy?
Can’t afford it at the moment?
Skeptical of how therapy works?
That’s fine.
Here is my exclusive self help guide for you to figure shit out on your own.
What’s in it for me? What do I gain from this?
What it will entail:
My 10 golden ticket questions that will brain fuck your mind
My 3 step process of change - QIE (Questioning, Identifying, Empowerment)
3 Actionable takeaways → Access to 3 of my own resources to identify your core values to build your own internal compass to guide you through life decisions
How does this help me become consciously aware of my shitty defaults?
You don’t get asked questions in the real world that will stop you in your tracks to think deeply about why you see the world in a certain way. Or why certain things trigger you. Or why you act in seemingly “automatic” ways in certain situations.
Friends and families often give unsolicited (biased) advice to us all the time, because they have their own unique lens of viewing the world. What you need and want is an unbiased perspective to get you to think deeply about the WHYs and HOWs of the way you are.
Self improvement and self actualization isn’t selfish.
When you work on improving yourself with understanding, awareness and acceptance, it becomes a gift that scales.
Because your positive growth shines and will affect everyone you come into contact with.
How do I know this? Because I’ve done it. I’ve been there.
A final takeaway to ponder on.
How do you think identifying your patterns & its roots will change your life, relationships & work?
If this sounds like something you are interested in, let me know in the Poll down below.
“The future belongs to the self-improver” - Dan Koe
Join the WAITLIST below to be notified for when the ebook is available.
If you’d like more help, I’ve got your back:
Get in touch HERE to book your 1:1 therapy session with me to start identifying & rewiring your patterns.
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That’s it for this Newsletter.
Thank you for being here on this journey with me.
Enjoy your week.
Peace out.
Eunice Cheung
Your millennial therapist