#4 Overindulging the past and Overplanning your future will destroy you
It's true when they said mindfulness and being present will save your life.
It’s hard to stay present.
Because you had it better in the past.
Or seeing and planning ahead gets you excited.
But you end up missing out on what is right in front of you…
Think about how many times you dreamed about a moment and then when it comes you don’t fully enjoy it.
There are moments in your life where overindulging in the past and overplanning your future will do you more harm.
This is one of them. Looking back does no good because you can’t change what has happened.
Looking forward hurts because you cant control what happens even if you try.
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The Importance of Being Present
We were never taught to be present.
Being present means differently to each of us.
I used to have terrible attention and focus. I was always distracted with multiple things at a time. I had so much I wanted to do that I let my mind run wild and it was chaotic.
The mind needs structure to create clarity.
”Without clarity, you are living in entropy.” - Dan Koe
“Attention is the currency of the modern century” - Cal Newport (Author of Deep Work)
Now, being present means truly being attuned with the task or the person at hand.
It means you will have my upmost focus and attention.
Because that is how we should truly live. Soak in every moment.
Not indulging in the past. Not fantasizing about the future.
Enjoy the company.
Before it’s gone.
Pain Is The Best Teacher
Sometimes bad shit need to happen for you to realize what you have been taking for granted.
Sometimes you need to hit walls to truly learn and find meaning in your experiences and the lesson it’s trying to teach you.
Because everything is a learning lesson, especially when you hit rock bottom.
It doesn’t matter how many times people give you advice on your situation.
You won’t take it in.
Because you don’t understand how it applies to you and your situation until you live through it yourself.
There are many roads ahead of us that we need to and have to take alone.
Like a parent allowing their child to make their own mistakes so they can learn from it, no matter how painful it is to sit and watch them fail.
So savior every moment you have with the good people around you. Because adulthood is filled with changes and inevitable losses.
You slowly realize everything and everyone is prone to changes.
Nothing lasts forever.
I don’t mean to sound pessimistic but it’s the reality we live in. The sooner I can equip you with this fact the better off you will be.
Cherish the good people in your life and communicate with intention and reflection. No matter how uncomfortable you THINK it is.
And remember to stay in the present moment with them more often.
That is what I would go back in time to tell myself, to never take anything and anyone for granted ever again.
Not even your parents.
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Control Is An Illusion
Planning for every situation to prevent bad shit from happening - is an illusion.
Wishing you can go back in time is an illusion.
Not speaking your truth to prevent rejection is an illusion.
People pleasing your way through life just to be loved (and validated) is an illusion.
Thinking you can control other people and their reactions - is an illusion.
The idea of permanence is an illusion.
Because nothing lasts forever - the good AND the bad times.
Unfortunately, our brain works against us because it craves stability, security and certainty. It is wired for pattern recognition.
Even if those patterns aren’t good for us. Especially when the patterns feels familiar, that’s how we can fall into the trap of it all.
The more you try to control life and wishing things were permanent, the more pain and tension you create for yourself.
So - stop trying to control everything and embrace life and the moment you are in.
Because the only thing you can control is yourself. Your mentality and your (intentional and reflective) reactions.
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So What The FUCK Does It Mean To Be Present Really?
Here are 4 types of Presence that I have acquired through life.
The Art of Acceptance.
The Art of Letting Go.
The Art of Stepping Back.
The Art of Giving Second Chances.
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The Art of Acceptance
The art of being aligned with reality rather than living in a fabricated reality in your head…is the hardest lesson you will ever learn.
“The space between expectation and reality creates tension that causes pain.” - Dan Koe
The more you want things to be (your expectations), the more it darkens your perception of the way things actually are (your reality). And the harder you will find to live in the present.
It is a never ending push and pull that rubs against each other until the rope breaks.
So the beauty of acceptance is coming into terms with the reality of the situation you are in and dismantle your desire and compulsion of wanting reality to be a certain way. Only then will you be set free from your own mind (your expectations).
As I mentioned in my blog post, don’t romanticize and put people and reality on a pedestal because it will lead to ultimate disappointment.
And that shit hurts.
Your expectations can be poisonous if you aren’t mindful of how it can affect your relationships and communication with people.
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Most importantly, question your expectations. These questions will bring you clarity about your mental entropy.
Where do they stem from?
Why are you expecting things to be a certain way?
What thoughts and feelings come up when you have to ground yourself in reality and not the narrative you create in your head?
What are you wanting and needing from your own narrative?
What will you gain and lose from both versions of reality?
The Art of Letting Go
There are times in life where you intellectually know what you need to do but your heart may need time to catch up.
There are times when your gut will scream at you about what is right for you and what isn’t.
You will feel it.
In these moments, I am here to remind you that you need to listen to that voice.
Because otherwise, you risk losing yourself.
“There may be moments when your intuition tells you something but you are too afraid to hear it. That’s okay. Just don’t forget the message and return to it when you feel ready.” - Unknown
Sometimes, you need to let go to stop the bleeding.
To minimize the damages.
To cut your losses and walk away.
Because it will cause more pain if you hold onto something or someone that isn’t meant for you.
The universe will give you signs. You just have to be observant enough to pay attention to it.
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Using intellect and logic to solve your problems is a common issue we all have.
I see this with clients all the time, especially the ones who work in logic-oriented professions. They come into sessions with me and try to logic their way through their problems but it won’t work and they beat themselves up. Here’s why.
As Mark Manson mentioned, you cannot use logic to solve an emotional problem. You need to meet your emotional self and the emotional problem with empathy, kindness and grace. You need to feel your way through your emotions because that is when it will truly resolve on its own.
By leaning into your emotions, being curious about it, trying to understand it, treating it with love and care. Speak to your emotional brain like you would with your inner child.
I want you to visualize this.
If you could speak to your inner child and be with them through moments of crisis, how would you approach him/her? How would you help them? What would you want to tell your younger self that you know now and wish you knew back then?
The Art of Stepping Back
Knowing your place with people and learning to identify when to take a step back is a crucial skill.
I previously wrote about tuning down my level of enthusiasm, my level of care and who I ‘give’ to when reflecting on how my uprbinging has influenced me today.
Because the truth is not everyone deserves it. This requires you to step back from situations, from people and to see it for what it actually is.
Stepping back requires pausing, reflecting, questioning.
It is a skill that gets better with time and intention.
So here, I would encourage you to practice it with these questions.
Am I trusting people’s words over action?
Do I give people too many chances without accountability?
Is there a pattern of behaviour here that I am failing to see?
Have I communicated my needs with the other person?
Am I choosing to honor myself and my worth here?
Does this help me in the long-term with who I want to work towards becoming?
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Yes. This sounds “selfish”. But remember, you are here on earth to live towards your best self. To actualize your fullest potential. To find your purpose and mission in YOUR life.
Don’t forget that.
Don’t let anyone stand in the way.
Don’t let anyone talk you down.
At some point in our adulthood, we NEED to be selfish to prioritize ourselves, who we want to become and what we want in life.
Obviously a line needs to be drawn with being “selfish”, as long as you are not hurting anyone then I would applaud you to go after it.
Reclaim YOUR life.
The Art of Giving Second Chances
Despite everything you see on social media about cutting people off and ghosting them…There is a time to step back and give people a second chance.
Because we are all human and flawed in our own ways.
Noone is perfect, noone can be perfect. Period.
The idea of perfection doesn’t exist in real life.
It is a fabricated reality that society sells us all the time.
We all make mistakes as we go through life, it’s inevitable.
Are some lessons more painful than others? Yes.
But should you beat yourself up or guilt-trip others forever? No.
Again, a line of moderation needs to be drawn here so you don’t navigate life and problems through a black and white lens.
Sometimes people fuck up so bad that it is clear we need to cut them off. Then the answer is clear.
But other times, it’s not so clear. Because we live in the gray, more so than you think.
Sometimes we make mistakes because we are not content.
Sometimes we choose wrongly because of societal pressure.
Sometimes we give into temptation.
Sometimes we hurt the people closest to us with our choices.
But whatever happens in life, I encourage you to remember, never lose yourself in the process of giving people a second chance.
AND never lose yourself in trying to ask for a second chance.
I will let you decide and draw that line for yourself.
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There was one experience I encountered in my life, one that has given me tremendous insights about myself. But at the same time, it was one of the most painful life lesson I have ever had (so far) because it involved great loss.
It’s true when people say you grow through pain, it really is the best and most effective teacher.
No matter how much I fought to escape from the pain, I couldn’t.
As a therapist who knows better and expected more from myself, I beat myself up over it. After-all, I’m still human and flawed, just like you.
I knew the answer was to sit in the emotions, let myself drown in it a bit until I was ready to get back up.
As I said in the previous newsletters, everything comes with a price, an entrance fee, whether its time, money or love.
Nothing in this world is free. Whatever choices you make in life, there is always a hidden cost. You just need to identify it.
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Sometimes there are situations where you can have it all.
Sometimes you simply cant.
And you must decide then what you are willing to give up for what you want out of life.
But choose wisely, because there is no going back.
Here is a saying that I resonated with recently from Netflix.
“Not everyone has it, the desire to wake up, to stop sleepwalking through our lives. To stop trying to do the right thing while denying our truth…But those of us who do - who are ready to stop settling for what we don’t want and identify what we do - we tread in dangerous waters.
Because once you wake up, once you get even just a tiny taste, there’s no going back…And doing the right thing will never feel right again, at least not for you…
So be sure, when you make that choice…you’re willing to follow through. Because if you choose wrong, be prepared to live with the consequences.” - Sex/Life Season 2
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So, to wrap up here.
Be truly present with your loved ones. Soak in the moments.
Accept reality for what it is without taking on a victim mentality.
Learn when to let go when it is causing you more pain and damage. Cut your losses. Stop the bleeding.
Learn to give yourself a second chance, whatever that looks like.
Or give someone else a second chance (provided that they come to you sincerely and want to make amends and you discuss expectations and set boundaries in place on how things will change in whatever context).
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As I said before, you will never know what you want until you experiment with new things that may end up as what you don’t want, or exactly what you want.
Or vice versa.
Even when your mind has convinced you this is what you “should” want. Question it.
Lean into it. Look into it. Be curious about it. Treat your mind like you would with your inner child.
Should’s are a big issue in life, I see it all around me, family, friends, therapy clients, everywhere.
Be mindful of what you think your life “should” look like. Sure, there are societal, cultural expectations. Society paints a clear picture of what everyone’s life “SHOULD” look like, but remember. You can always choose. You don’t have to follow blindly.
Wake up. Question your choices, your thoughts, your outlook on life.
Because the danger lies in not questioning.
The worst thing that can happen is losing yourself to “Should’s”.
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That is it for this Newsletter.
Thank you for being here on this journey with me.
See you next week.
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Incredibly useful! 🔥