#71 The Art of Forgiveness & Repair
What Comes After "I'm Sorry"?
There’s a saying that “Trust, once lost, it’s hard to recover".
Because the past hurt will always try to rear it’s ugly head, reminding you how painful it was the last time you let your guard down.
It can manifest as paranoia, suspicions and overthinking if things are left unaddressed.
So.. that raises the question of how do we rebuild trust?
Is it even possible?
How do we repair relationships and friendships when there is hurt?
Or worst case scenario where there’s infidelity, betrayal and breach of trust?
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The best place to start is internally.
Within yourself.
Because the closure we want from others is something we might not get and we cannot give that power away to someone or something else.
It starts with acceptance, truly looking and reflecting on yourself.
What did that experience mean to you?
What did that experience teach you?
Why did it happen?
What would you do differently if it happened again?
What would you have wanted to say?
What would have wanted to do prior to it happening?
What feels unaddressed that you’d like to understand and overcome?
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In asking yourself these questions, you start to gather clarity for yourself.
In gaining that clarity, you can start to understand yourself better.
You start to understand the part you played in it.
You can start to heal.
You can start to reframe the meaning of the hurt.
Only then… that’s when you can truly move on yourself.
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When you feel hurt by someone’s actions, what you really want is…their acknowledgement of their actions and how it’s hurt you.
You want genuine remorse and attempts to make amends to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
Because apologies mean nothing without follow throughs.
It’s the changed behavior, the action itself, that communicates to you that, they value you, by doing better.
“The older I get, the more I see how repair is the greatest apology. You can say “sorry” and mean it, but it’s the acknowledgement, the remorse and the genuine attempts to make amends and avoid it happening again, that means the most to people.” - @daniellakadene
But. Remember. Their actions is on them.
Not on you.
Here are some phrases I came across from Adam Grant’s podcast episode on What Makes A Good Apology that I thought was brilliant when it comes to the topic of Apologies & Forgiveness:
“I’d love to earn your forgiveness, what can I do to repair this relationship?”
“What can I do to prove to you I am someone you can trust?”
“I know I harmed you, what can I do to repair it? I acknowledge you, you’re correct in your view, how I want to demonstrate is doing the best I can to undo the harm I committed”
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Whenever you feel like helpless, out of control, spiralling, here are some reframes to help you feel in control again.
Reclaim your power by reframing it by Depersonalization.
It’s depersonalizing yourself from the hurt itself because it is and was never a reflection of you.
It’s depersonalizing yourself from their attempts to make amends because it is on them to choose to act differently.
It’s depersonalizing yourself from the outcome of whether it works out or not, because you know you will be okay no matter what, because you’ve got your own back.
Despite what they choose to do or don’t do.
It’s depersonalizing yourself from it all, to know that, the people who value you and are genuine will do their part to be in your life.
It’s an act of surrendering control all together because we can never control what other people do or don’t do.
There is freedom and liberation in the act of giving up control.
Giving up wishing things to be a certain way.
Of just letting things be.
Accepting things as they are.
If it works out, great.
If it doesn’t work out, that’s okay too because I learned something.
Or something better may come along.
Or it is an opportunity for you to sit in the discomfort.
This all serves to cultivate your sense of self-confidence and self-reassurance.
Because at the end of the day, as long as we’ve done our part, we’ve spoken up, communicated, expressed our needs, wants, feelings so they know where we stand, that’s the best we can ask for from ourselves.
The rest comes from the other person.
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That’s it for this newsletter.
Hope you enjoyed this letter.
Whenever you are ready to do the work, I am here for it all.
Start here if you want to uncover your patterns with me to improve your self confidence and your relationships.
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