#70 How Upbringing Shapes Your Love Life
What you experience in childhood exacerbates in adulthood if you don't address it.
What you experience in your childhood multiplies in your adulthood.
What you witness from your parents becomes YOUR version of NORMAL.
How your parents interact with you.
How they interact with each other.
How they argue & “make up”.
How they show you love.
How they maintain their friendships.
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What values they impose on you.
What they think is right or wrong.
What they think is good or bad.
What they fear.
What they expect of you.
How they spend time with you.
All of it.
Then becomes your version of what is NORMAL to you.
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Even after we move out, the patterns we experience and have built subconsciously throughout childhood…stays with us.
Until and unless we consciously decide to work to break & reframe them.
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When we date other people, that is when we experience a clash with our romantic partner’s different version of what is NORMAL to them.
Because everyone’s version of NORMAL is vastly different.
For example, I grew up with the notion of being efficient when I go grocery shopping with my parents.
In and out, grab what you need to leave.
For my partner, he considers grocery shopping as quality time, walking together, planning what to cook or buy, the whole process.
To him, he’s always wondering why I am in a rush.
To me, I’m always wondering why he takes so long.
Neither one of us is right or wrong, it is simply just what we are used to when we grew up.
So I’ve learn to slow down and be present with him.
Sometimes, he learns to speed things up.
So we both take turns.
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This different state of NORMAL can cause a lot of relationship conflict… misinterpretation, presumptions and assumptions made about each other’s intentions and meanings… if you are not self-aware enough to realize you may be projecting YOUR NORMAL onto them.
Or vice versa.
Or you subconsciously expect them to be you in YOUR version of NORMAL.
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That’s why it’s important to be aware of how the patterns from your own upbringing affect you in the present now.
How it shows up in your day to day.
How it influences your interpretation of events.
How you choose to receive, accept, give love to others.
How & why you have certain triggers and it annoys/upsets you.
How & why it makes you fixate on a particular point of view.
How a different perspective would help/hinder/threaten your self-image (reframing it to how it can be an opportunity of growth instead).
You get the point.
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One of that leading causes for relationship breakdown often falls into this topic.
Upbringing.
The impact of childhood upbringing cannot be underestimated.
It has ripple effects on who we are now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying blame your parents for how you are now.
As adults, you have the responsibility to address the unhealthy patterns in yourself and to do better and be the best version you can be.
Not just for yourself, but for others around you.
And it doesn’t mean we are screwed.
Because as long as we are alive, there is always…ALWAYS an chance for change.
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As you start to uncover the patterns in your upbringing and in your present mind…
You will start to go through different stages of grief, anger, resentment.
Know that this is normal and part of the process of emotional healing.
A part of you yearns to be heard, seen, accepted and loved.
A part of you is angry and sad and grieves for the childhood you could have had.
A part of you wish you were taught things that saved you from negative experiences (but get this, I used to want this too until I now realized everything happens for a reason and actually learning things on my own from my own expereicnes has been the best teacher. Im not discounting the pain it took to learn it, but it made me better and stronger now).
A part of you needed your parents to be present, attentive, curious about you and your experiences and interests, not just your achievements or what you can do for them.
All of these feelings are valid and completely normal.
It comes in waves.
It comes and goes.
Sometimes it hits you like a truck.
It all comes down to understanding and eventual acceptance.
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One day, when you are able to learn to eventually see your parents as people who tried with the limited knowledge and understanding they had at that time and doing what they thought was best, you will start to see them in a different lens.
Doesn’t excuse some of the things they did.
But it is a start…to self acceptance, compassion, empathy, understanding and letting go of the resentment/anger.
Only then, will you develop an understanding, compassion and finally…forgiveness of (and ourselves) our parents.
Sometimes some of us can’t get to those stages, but that’s okay.
Because families are complex.
Some parents aren’t capable of giving the love we crave, want and deserve.
It hurts and it has an impact.
It shapes who we are up to today.
It shaped our responses, coping and survival mechanisms.
But with time, intention, guidance, encouragement and facing it head on in therapy, we can learn to heal.
We can learn to reframe.
We can break the patterns of intergenerational traumas, patterns, passed onto us and do better.
For ourselves, for our kids, for our pets, for our generation and the next.
And it takes serious commitment, courage and intention to do.
So I applaud you for reading this.
For doing the work.
For contemplating on therapy.
For starting therapy.
For googling one.
For choosing differently.
For asking for help and accepting help.
All…to be the best version of yourself.
That is what I am here for.
The messy parts and the glory parts.
"If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you."
Whenever you are ready to do the work, I am here for it all.
Start here if you want to uncover your patterns with me to improve your self confidence and your relationships.
That’s it for this newsletter.
Hope you enjoyed this letter.
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