#65 Love is not about control

To love, is to respect their autonomy.

Love is not about control.

Because control ultimately stems from fear and insecurity.

And control is not sustainable.

The more you try to control them, the more suffocated they feel.

The more you try to get them to do and see things your way, the more resistant they become.

Because no-one likes to be forced.

Sometimes, in life, you have to take a step back and just let people be.

Not because you don’t care, but because you care too much.

Or because you feel as though your worth is dependent on convincing them to see it your way.

Take a step back, and remember, your worth is not attached to people’s feelings and behaviors.

Only you can determine your worth.

***

Since my parents moved back to Australia for retirement, I’ve been witnessing the way their communicate.

And let’s just say, sometimes, they’re not communicating.

They’re merely demanding or imposing their wishes on the other.

And “reacting” to each other when things don’t go their way.

When communication feels one sided, it’s almost impossible to feel open and receptive.

Because you feel unsafe.

Your guard is up.

It shuts you down.

You shut them out.

We are all unique individuals with our own preferences of how we want to live.

Just because you prefer your “NORMAL” way onto me, doesn’t mean I have to follow it.

And it doesn’t mean I should be grateful to you for “making” me do it your way.

I’ll probably resent you instead.

And resentment is the poison in every relationship.

It comes from staying silent.

It comes from tolerating, enabling what you think you should because you are too afraid to rock the boat.

"Love is a dance of mutual respect, not a power struggle for dominance."

One of the biggest challenges I see my parents’ generation face, is they stay stagnant in the face of change.

Because change feels scary, new and foreign.

Sometimes, they’d rather on to something bad, but not bad enough, because the “good” feels impossible to reach.

Or it feels too “hard” to do.

At times like this, I wish I can make them see and understand that anything is better than the status quo.

But at the end of the day, I have to remind myself that I can’t make them see it my way.

I can only step back, respect them and also try to remind them to be patient towards one another.

Also call them out as necessary when one or both are being unreasonable in their own ways.

****

I never know whether they really take what I say into consideration.

But at least, sometimes I can use the art of casual humor to embed into these conversations.

Seeing how they communicate sometimes also serves as a reminder of something I never want to do in my own relationships.

It’s normal to fear that your relationships may go to shit.

But at the same time, its conscious effort and intention everyday.

It’s choosing to never let it get to the point of bottled up, poisonous resentment that it ruins the love you have for each other.

It’s choosing to have difficult conversations no matter how scary it feels and seems in the moment and even beforehand.

It’s choose to stay brave no matter what and knowing that you always have the courage to walk away if something or someone doesn’t respect or consider you and your feelings.

Only you can make that choice yourself and for your relationships.

“Honesty is an expensive currency.”

Not everyone can afford to give it to you.

Therefore, be very selective with who you choose to give your time and energy to.

Because, you are precious, worthy and deserving of the love you deserve.

Always.

****

That’s it for this newsletter.

Its Chinese Lunar New Year, the year of the snake.

Happy NY, my fellow millennials.

Wishing you a prosperous year of good health, wealth, love and joy! :)

Hope you enjoyed this letter.

******

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