#59 From All or Nothing to Self Empowerment

Difference between Our generation vs our parents' generation

Going home recently to my parents’ gave me a heartbreaking realization.

To them, every argument or issue always seems like it’s One way or Another.

To me, I know there’s always door number 3.

To them, it’s either she’s right or he’s right.

But communication is about making an effort to understanding each other.

To have curiosity.

To be able to get out of your own viewpoint for a second and to try to see it in their point of view.

Not to win.

Not to control.

Because that’s not love.

****

My mum and dad have very different values, at the same time, I often see them force and impose each other to live life in their preferred way.

Never works out well.

Always ends up in arguments.

What they should do instead, is learn to let go and not impose their ways onto the other and let each other live the way they want.

And be at peace with that.

****

But sometimes, people can get very stuck in their own views, beliefs that it makes any communication difficult.

That’s the tragedy.

But it doesn’t mean all hope is lost.

“We can’t force people to hear us, but never underestimate the power of planting a seed.”

Most of the time, it takes effort, bravery and persistence.

Knowing when and how to deliver it is key.

Most underestimate this, but tone & timing is everything when it comes to communication.

Here’s an example.

If you call your mum/partner out when they are angry, “You always do this, you never spend time with me/you never hear me". They probably wont be receptive to what you have to say because they are consumed with anger in that moment.

Vs.

If you talk to them about it after they’ve calmed down and bring it in up in an eloquent way, “Hey I wanted to talk about what happen just now, I noticed you were quite upset when I did this. Can you help me understand why that is?”

The first is accusation and criticism.

The second is curiosity and understanding.

Huge difference.

First makes you get defensive.

Second makes room for conversation.

****

Most people think there’s no point in speaking up if others don’t respond the way they want them to.

That it’s only “worth” communicating if the other person is 100% receptive and agreeable.

But that’s a false belief.

Because that’s not how life works.

That’s now how communication and relationship works.

Noone can or will be agreeable with you 100% of the time.

Most importantly, learning that, speaking up, is for YOU.

So you don’t end up hating yourself and the other person.

So you don’t end up feeling like you have no control or say over any situation.

So you don’t end up bottling up resentment.

So you don’t end up punching walls.

So it doesn’t poison the well.

Aka, the well is your relationship with this person, whoever they are.

****

You have to decide to take the wheel and do the hard thing here.

Remember.

You’re not speaking up for the sake it will guarantee an outcome.

Sure, we’d all like it to.

But the point of speaking up, is feeling empowered enough to back yourself.

Feeling empowered enough to voice how you feel, “Hey, that actually hurts when you say that.” so they know where YOU stand and can choose to act accordingly.

Until you get to this stage, it will be difficult for you to form deep relationships with your loved ones.

Because you will always hide yourself.

And that’s what holds you back.

***

My parents thrived with the “toughen it out” mindset.

As many parents in their generation do.

However, it unfortunately, doesn’t work for everything.

Certainly not in relationships.

And not in mental health.

It is a barrier to mental wellness.

Because it makes the assumption that you “should” put up with anything no matter what.

Dangerous examples like, overvaluing others above yourself, overcommitting at your own expense, overcompensating for others because you feel bad for accepting help, etc.

You get the point.

Growing up, I always heard stories from my parents about feeling hurt and resentful.

Because they are kind, generous and very caring people.

But often too much and at their own expense.

At the level that they don’t even care about themselves.
They just give and give, there’s no limit.

That was one of my greatest fear growing up…of finding myself in those situations.

But now I know, it’s up to me…and it’s up to you… and us to learn to use our voice.

To know where we stand.

To protect ourselves.

To empower ourselves to set those boundaries.

***

What makes someone powerful isn’t their ability to grind it out no matter what, its the ability to know when to rest, quit and walk away.

This skill is developed through your experiences.

The key of moderation.

To be firm but respectful.

To be kind but have your own boundaries for self protection.

To be angry but be able to articulate it.

To love but not at the expense of losing, sacrificing and compromising yourself.

It’s possible, I can teach you here.

****

The difference between our generation vs our parents’ generation comes down to resources, accessibility and…

Most importantly, knowing they have the freedom to choose differently.

Knowing that there is a third door.

Knowing that it’s not one or the other.

Because this black and white mindset, can often feel like an ultimatum which often makes people feel suffocated.

It all goes back to the conditioning of school and society, that have conditioned us to think it’s either success or failure.

Learn to get out of that black and white box.

Learn to innovate a third option.

Learn to see there are workarounds.

“To limit our understanding to black and white is to miss the beauty of the gray areas.”

That’s it for this newsletter.

Hope you enjoyed this letter.

Watch my recent podcast episode on Navigating your relationship with your Asian Parents here.

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