#58 How to Navigate Conflict w Asian Parents
6 Ways to deepen your relationship with them
Watch the full podcast episode here:
“Conflict deferred, is Conflict amplified”.
Resentment is the number 1 killer in every relationships.
Because if left unaddressed, it festers and rear its head in future conversations when it hits a tipping point.
I recently invited the lovely Vi-An Nguyen, a fellow Psychologist from An Tam Coaching & Psychology on my podcast to talk about How to Navigate Conflict with Asian Parents.
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In this episode, we talked about:
How we broke the pattern of status quo & improved our relationship with our mum
Heart to heart conversation after prolong period of conflict & silence
Got mum to go to therapy by going myself & breaking the stigma of therapy for us
6 Valuable TIPS on how to navigate conflict that is transferrable with anyone in your life
Why we both started therapy ourselves (as therapists ourselves)
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We both discussed 2 concluding questions:
1. Is it healthy to have conflict with parents?
2. How can we have more follow up conversations in our relationship after a conflict?
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Here are 6 TIPS on navigating conflict & difficult conversations with Asian Parents (these skills are transferrable with everyone, not just your parents):
Tip #1: Have follow up conversations with our parents to show acknowledgement & gratitude.
e.g. “Hey mum, I really appreciate you saying that” By role modelling this, we are making them feel validated, seen and heard which also positively reinforces the likelihood of them repeating this behavior with us. Don’t expect your parents to get it after telling them once, key part to improving your relationship with them (or anyone), is iterating on your point and ensuring both of you understand the importance.
Tip #2: Reframe these follow up acknowledgements & gratitude as a love language.
When you thank them for coming to you with something that is hard to say, being vulnerable or if they acknowledged something you did/say. Do the same, and thank them. It goes a long way in strengthening your relationships. We often assume our loved ones don't need it, but, they are the ones who need acknowledgement & gratitude the most. That is how we keep our relationships deep and strong.
Tip #3: Learn to see your parents as human beings, see them out of the family hierarchy. Get out of the default pattern of how you are USED to communicating with them, try something new.
At the end of the day, we are all human. As kids we may have been used to putting our parents on a pedstedal. But when you start to see them as humans who are just trying, who want to connect and want to be seen and understood, everything changes. Drop down to the most basic principles with relationships.. Understanding. Acknowledgement. Validation.
Tip #4: Staying in touch with our cultural roots & language by embedding them passively in your life, eg watching drama in your native language, following accounts that post content in your native language so you can be more in touched with your culture & language.
I moved back and forth between Hong Kong and Sydney my whole life, spent half of my life in both cities. Staying in touch with Chinese was no easy task, I was lucky that my parents forced me to go to Chinese school on weekends when I was in Australia. Then when I went back to HK, I was lucky I went to an international school where Chinese was a required subject.
Now that I am back in Australia permantely, I try to follow a lot of accounts with chinese on social media, so I can passively, easily consume it everyday without too much effort.
A quote from Atomic habits, by James Clear, if you want to implement a habit, make it easy, accessible. Somewhere, somehow in a way you cannot miss.
Since then, my reading skills have improved :) That is one way I choose to stay in touch with the language so I don’t lose it.
Tip #5: Watching & using asian dramas as a way to bond with you parents, having a common ground to connect, chat about the show/characters you relate to.
I went to watch Everything Everywhere All At Once with my mum in the cinemas back in 2022. It’s always nice to bond with your parents when there is that common group we can talk about. I ended up crying 6 times, and my mum was confused as to why that was, nevertheless, it was good bonding time.
Tip #6: Asian cultural value can hinder us in the way that it gets us to internalise a lot of others’ problems, emotions and take on unnecessary stress for yourself to try to “fix it”. Make you feel responsible for things that are your fault.
Collectivists cultures focus on social harmony, obedience and keeping the peace. While it has definitely defined us and made our culture great. It also has its downsides where it can make individuals feel responsible for many things that are not within their control.
E.g. If an individual acts badly, it reflects badly on the parents/community. The parents may then internalize it as their fault for their child’s actions.
Seeing and growing up with this pattern of behavior, it may manifest into “fixing” and “managing” people’s emotions, problems as your own in adulthood.
This is something I’ve seen and worked with with many clients in therapy.
TO disentanglement of what’s yours vs theirs, to get clear on what your personal values and beliefs are.
TO ensure you don’t get swept up by others’ problems and emotions too much that you lose yourself.
You can watch this from 37:30mins from the Youtube video or Podcast episode as I dive deeper into this.
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That’s it for this newsletter.
Hope you enjoyed this letter.
If you did, give me a like or follow on Youtube or Spotify :) as it would really help individuals like yourself find my content.
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✨ Additional Resources For You: ✨
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