#54 Societal obsession of timelines
It all comes down to wanting to "control".
Having control is relative.
It’s an illusion.
We live in an ever changing world.
Change is the constant in life, one we cannot change.
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I noticed a theme coming up recently.
Societal pressure of the “timeline” we “must” follow to be able to “catch up” with everyone in life.
But life isn’t a competition.
You may think you are losing time, but the truth is you still have so much time.
Assuming I live until 80, I still have 50+ years on this earth.
Still a lot of growth and experiences to go.
Which is why….
It pains me to see that both women and men let the societal timeline of being married and having kids by 30 pressure them into feeling like time is running out.
It creates a sense of desperation of having to find someone before they turn 30 because otherwise it means they are “behind” in life.
Desperation creates urgency.
Urgency makes us do irrational things.
I’ve worked with women over 35 who worked on themselves and only decided to have kids because they are emotionally and financially ready.
I’ve also worked with clients in their 40s who regret their decision of rushing into marriage and kids, because they chose the wrong person to do it with.
And the consequences are unimaginable…
The kind that blows up your life.
I’ve worked with clients who are just beginning to discover who they are in their 30s and 40s because they let the “timeline” rush them into thinking what they “need” or “should” do.
Because at the end of the day, who we marry, who we settle down and build a life matters more than being married by a certain age.
It means nothing if the person we choose doesn’t have the right “character”.
Traits like, self accountability, transparency, openness to listen, honesty, communication.
Because without these traits, no matter how much chemistry and compatibility you have with that person…
It wont last.
Because the longevity of relationships DEPEND on those traits.
To make any relationship work, you need to be able to communicate effectively.
Not make assumptions about their intentions, but ask clarifying questions and about their perspective.
Not project your traumas, baggage, insecurities onto them, but to be aware of them and understand when they are being triggered.
Not accuse them of not doing enough, but communicate what you want/need more of and see if they can meet that.
Not forcing someone to choose you when their actions clearly show you the opposite, but love yourself enough to choose yourself because you know you deserve better.
Not bending yourself backwards to accomodate and to please them, but to set boundaries in place, reinforce them to keep them in your life and see if they respect you enough to do so.
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But you also can’t find someone like this if you do not work on yourself.
I’m a believer of you are who you attract.
I’m an advocate of taking self accountability.
So make sure you are working on yourself along the way :)
Start here.
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Don’t be afraid of your 30s.
I dare to say “30s is the new 20s.” - Dr Meg Jay
Because that is when greater things lie ahead.
At the end of the day, it’s just an arbitrary number.
I believe that when you enter your 30s, that is when you truly start to know who you are.
(I’m not 30 yet but I will be soon and I already like who I am and have become compared to a few years ago. That is the beautiful outcome when you work on yourself in therapy. Thank you to my therapist, my family, my partner and my friends who continue to walk alongside of my journey.)
You now know your own likes, dislikes, limits, tolerances.
You become more sure of yourself.
That growth is what helps you make better decisions.
From who you surround yourself with, who you spend time with, who you choose to be your life partner and what kind of people to stay away from.
How you approach life, the choices you make and the person you become is what defines you and your life.
The takeaway for this letter is….
Dont focus so much on the number, the age.
Focus more on the way you handle conflict, problems in life.
Focus on the way you choose to do better rather than submitting to the easier, default ways of being.
Don’t overly focus on destination, focus on the journey of the person you become.
That’s it for this newsletter.
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