#48 I called my brother out
#48 I called my brother out
I'm doing this for me & our relationship. Because if I can do it with mum, I can do this too.
Listen to the podcast version here on Spotify.
“If you don’t clear your misunderstandings in time they become reasons for distance forever” Unknown
One of the things that breaks my heart is when two people have a misunderstanding but neither parties do or say anything to clear the air.
The lack of addressing the elephant in the room is assumed as a sign of not caring.
Which results in distance.
Then disconnection.
***
This is one of the things I strive not to do again in my own relationships.
In this lifetime, you don’t meet a lot of people who are willing to tell you the truth (for your benefit and because they genuinely care and want the best for you).
So if you do, hold on to them.
Don’t let unresolved issues, conflicts, misunderstandings be the reason why you disconnected.
****
Now, story time about me calling out my brother because that’s I know that’s why you opened this newsletter ;)
I’m beyond grateful and lucky enough to have been travelling last month after 5 years of not travelling with my partner and my family due to COVID.
It was a much needed quality time together for a short while before we all resumed in our day to day life.
Last week I went on a trip with my parents, my brother and his girlfriend and I had A LOT of realizations that I will dive deep with my own therapist this week when I see him.
But boy… these realizations are valuable.
I took notes on my phone so I don’t forget and can talk to my therapist about them & reflect on them.
Bro would comment negatively on the things I do when he spoke to me
He’d try his best to suggest I do things in a different way (well intentioned)
He’d sometimes get impatient and annoyed if I did things
But I’m not as afraid as I used to be of him
I’m not afraid to ask for what I want/need/have an uncomfortable conversation
And it goes on…
It’s true that you truly get to know a person when:
You travel with them
You live with them.
Money is involved.
You deal with them when they are angry.
Here is a bit of context on my relationship with my brother:
My brother is 10 years older than me, and our relationship has always been somewhat strained due to our age gap and geographical difference.
He’d be in Australia, I’d be in HK and vice versa.
I only ever had 8 full years with him living under the same roof.
It’s only normal that he still sees me as his little clumsy sister who is 10 years younger than him.
Whenever he spoke to me, my mind would associate it to all the memories and experiences from before, which 90% tended to be negative.
From that, I learnt to expect the worst or negative outcomes from it.
But it also made me crave for positive interactions with him more.
When I was younger, on some subconscious level, I wanted to please him by doing what he tells me to do so we can have more positive interactions.
We crave what we don’t have.
Simple as that..
But I now know that, that is my subconscious brain craving what I didn’t have with my brother and that is not the healthy way to go about having a better and deeper relationship with him.
It takes time, age, wisdom and hardwork.
As all relationships do.
****
But on this trip, I noticed whenever he commented on things about me or to me (face to face), it’d mostly be negative.
Which made me feel very self-conscious, afraid of making a mistake and afraid of upsetting him.
The old me would stay quiet and take on his feedback.
But the current evolved version of me will not longer do that.
****
Long story short.
I got some bread from a Japanese convenience store because it looked so soft and I knew my parents would love some.
(honestly japanese baked good are to die for…)
When we got out the car, my mum was worried the bread might go bad due to the hot weather.
I reassured her it should be fine, we won’t be gone for long.
My brother something along the lines of “Why did you have to buy bread right now? You could have bought it later.”
I remember at that point, I’ve hit my limit during the trip and I felt annoyed, angry, frustrated that he always made these negative comments, it made me feel like everything I did was wrong or never good enough for him.
So I said “Yes I know but I knew mum and dad would like some and it doesn’t matter because I already bought it.”
I knew I could no longer do nothing. So I decided I’d have a chat with my brother.
I remember walking along the streets of Kyoto with my family, with my brother and his girlfriend at the front and my parents were at the back.
My gut instinct was screaming at me as I contemplated to talk to him, but at the same time, it was the perfect time because the memories of it is still fresh for us.
Plus, its now or never.
Literally.
But…
I was also afraid.
Scared.
Terrified.
Uncomfortable.
But I also told myself:
“Hey, if you can call mum out and challenge the family status quo, you can do this with your brother. Because your intentions is to make him aware, and that would only strengthen your relationship, not ruin it. Besides, he has had many of these uncomfortable conversations with you before. So go! You’re doing this for yourself AND him.”
This was me hyping myself up for an uncomfortable conversation.
****
So I gathered up my courage and I went to him and said:
“Hey would it be aright if maybe you don’t criticize me everytime you talk to me? I know you mean well and want the best for me and that I can be very clumsy but it really hurts me sometimes. It makes me afraid to talk to you and self conscious around you.”
He said “Oh okay”.
I said “Thank you”
Then I walked back to my parents.
I remember thinking to myself “Men really are simple minded creatures.”
But in that moment, I remember feeling…
Relieved.
Liberated.
Brave.
Eurphoric.
Glad.
Because he heard me and acknowledged me in his own way even if he didn’t use many words.
And that to me, meant the world already.
And Beyond Proud.
I was proud of myself for being brave to have that short concise conversation with him.
Because if I didn’t, I knew I would be holding a grudge against him and do nothing.
The old me would have done exactly that.
*****
But the powerful thing is….
As soon as i had a conversation with him, all the negative feelings I had towards myu brother all disappeared.
Because in a way, that conversation was a release.
It was a way for us to clear the air.
It was a way for us to move forward together and be better.
After that chat, I noticed he would put in the effort to talk to me a bit more, to show me ceramic cups when we all went shopping.
****
And that effort, to me, means everything already.
It was a sign of acknowledgement.
It was a sign of validation.
It was a sign of us wanting to connect more without falling into the trap of sibling hierarchy of who’s older, more experienced.
It was just two siblings, connecting.
*****
That is the importance of speaking up.
That is the importance of having these uncomfortable conversations.
That is the way forward to deeper relationships without resentment.
****
Don’t fall prey to resentment, as it is the number one killer of every relationship.
The purpose of love and relationships, is connection.
Not caution.
Not suppression.
Not to tip-toe around them just to keep the peace.
Keeping the “peace” comes at a cost.
There always is.
And it’s mostly you not liking yourself.
Or wishing you said your peace when you had the chance.
***
“ The cold water does not get warmer if you jump late”
***
That’s it for this Newsletter.
Hope you enjoyed this letter.
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I’d love to hear from you.
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If you're ready to identify how your cultural conditiongs affect your communication so you can level up in your life and relationships, I'm here to help you.
Hi, I'm Eunice Cheung
Your millennial therapist.
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