#28 How to grow your self belief
7 practical tips to grow your confidence.
“Confidence attracts opportunity” - Kaylene Langford
My self esteem used to be non existent.
I used to have no self confidence at all.
I always admired people who were confident in who they are and takes no shit from anyone.
I sucked at public speaking.
One of the worst presentations I ever did was back in highschool, I stood in front of the whole year and teachers, presenting my work.
I crumbled.
My voice shaked.
I couldn’t muster the courage to make eye contact with the audience.
All because I didn’t believe in myself.
I did not have the ability to reassure myself.
I was self conscious.
I felt shit.
It was embarrassing.
Fast forward to now 2023, I was invited to one of the top universities in Australia, University of New South Wales to present a workshop on Asian Parents and how to navigate life through their invalidation.
Never have I ever thought this would be possible…That anyone would give me the time of day, let alone listen to me talk for an hour.
In the workshop, we discussed the following:
- Why our parents' approval and affection is important to us
- Why Asian parents are the way they are + background on Collectivist cultures
- The effects of invalidation on our self worth and ultimately how we communicate and show up in our relationships
- Tips on how to cope with Asian parents' invalidation and their lack of acknowledgement
- Acknowledging one's emotional experiences
- Takeaway tips on what I gained from learning to speak up to my Asian parents.
Asian mental health has always been a taboo topic but I aim to change that by facilitating more conversations around it.
P.S. If you’d like to listen to the audio podcast episodes on this, this is Part 1 and Part 2 on Spotify.
I was also recently featured on SBS insight, here is the episode on Apologies (you can watch it for free) and the article feature where I share my experience on why & how the lack of apologies from my Asian parents impacted me.
TIP NUMBER 1: MENTAL RESET & REFRAME
I don’t want to sound cringe, but I am proud of myself for following through with this opportunity despite feeling fear, anxiety, nervous, tense and ultimately excitement.
I had nightmares days before the workshop took place.
I learnt to reframe nerves as a sign that I was excited for this workshop.
I got excited that I GET to share vs I am nervous, Im scared…what if I’m not good enough?
A simple reframe from I am nervous to → I GET to do this, I GET to feel nervous, I GET to feel excited, I GET to present, I GET to do public speaking.
That changed everything for me.
This mindset shift applies to everything, not just for public speaking.
E.g. I don’t want to go to work → I GET to go to work
I don’t want to workout → I GET to workout for my body and health
I don’t want to go to this event → I GET to socialize with my friends.
I don’t want to see my parents tonight → I GET to spend time with my loved ones.
A mentor of mine and a fabulous public speaker once gave me this advice, you can check him out here.
“Turn your nerves into excitement, bounce, jump up and down to leverage those nerves.” - Nick Kenny
I will always look back on his advice with a grateful heart, thank you Nick.
I also realized I needed to have those conflicts with my parents to have these insights about myself, about the importance of speaking up.
My mum needed to leave the house for us to gain perspective through distance and time.
These insights gave me the lived experience of navigating life through my parents’ invalidation.
Gave me the knowledge and experience to come up with tips that I found helpful to cope through it.
Which gave me the skills I needed to say yes to presenting a workshop on Navigating Life with Asian Parents at UNSW.
It is all connected.
Everything stacks up.
Everything compounds over time.
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I used to think I could never be confident and self assured.
But it is possible…
….to GROW YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE & SELF BELIEF.
So how did I get here?
Magic didn’t happen.
It was and has been an accumulation of experiences of failure, pain, hardship, rock bottom, reality, lack of reciprocation that got me here (and ALOT of reading, listening to podcasts, reframing my mindset & learning about myself through therapy).
Stack up undeniable proof of your achievements → you can’t deny them as they will grow your self belief and self confidence.
So without further ado….
Here are 6 tips on how to DEVELOP YOUR SELF BELIEF
Write down all your existing achievements
Not only does it remind you how far you have come, what you have learnt and gone through to get to where you are at, it acts as a self validating & assuring tool for you on the days you feel sad.
Write down all the compliments and good feedback you have ever received in your life in a word document and return to it whenever you feel shit
P.s. this is one of the exercises in my ebook Attack the Root Of Your Patterns that helps you build up your self worth & self love, you can check it out here.
Be willing to suck as an amateur to grow your level of expertise and hon in on your craft
We all have to start somewhere, let go of the idea that you need to have everything figured out before you start. True learning begins when you start, when you take action.
A book Show Your Work by Austin Kleon & Atomic Habits by James Clear changed my life and transformed perspective in learning, habit formation, being okay to suck at the thing you are starting.
“Comparison is the thief of Joy” - Unknown
You are not in competition with others because it is NEVER a fair fight, others can be in chapter 100 while you can be at chapter 10. The true competition is yourself, compare the current you to your past self.
Embrace rejection and frame it as an opportunity to learn, the universe is redirecting opportunities to you by closing certain doors that are not meant for you. But will lead to better doors for you.
It took me years to learn this and now I am telling you
Let go and recognize the toxicity of viewing bad events happening to you > for you. I say “for you” because it is a gift once you identify what you learn from it and apply to future instances where you choose to act differently and better.
Redirect your negative talk by distancing yourself from it, view it in a third person’s perspective by taking yourself out of it, questioning it & reframe your perception on the issue at hand.
Identify the negative thought you have
Identify the source of it, where does it come from? Who made you feel this way? What is the emotion? Is it context situation specific?
Why do you feel X when you hear or see or experience Y?
Is it a reflection of you and your worth factually?
This helps you to develop the skills to self validate and reassure yourself.
“Speaking up, doing hard things is a muscle, you need to use it for it to be strong. It grows overtime. When you continue to prove yourself wrong, your self belief grows” - Eunice Cheung
Moving forward, my self belief will continue to grow with this experience under my belt.
I hope, with me, you will learn to implement these steps to grow your self belief.
Lastly…
Like a muscle, it takes time, conscious effort and intention for it to grow.
That is the journey of self development and personal growth.
You never stop learning new things about yourself.
You learn, change, pivot and evolve into a better version of yourself.
You never stop growing.
As I once learnt in grad school, change and uncertainty is unavoidable.
Get used to it.
Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.
That is how you stay ahead.
That is how you win.
That is how you persist through the hard times.
Rise up, my friends.
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That is it for this Newsletter.
Thank you for being here on this journey with me.
If you'd like to get in touch and book in a 1:1 therapy & coaching session, click Here.
If you are ready to be challenged and want to rewire your limiting beliefs, get started with Attack The Roots Of Your Patterns. This ebook will ask you questions that shake you up at your core that you will see yourself, the world and others differently.
Listen to my latest podcast episode Here.